| The Dream Solution - Extract's |
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On this page you will find a extract from
Bernard O'Mahoney's book The Dream Solution published
by Mainstream Publishing :- |
Michelle had butchered an innocent girl
John Shaughnessy had not made Michelle kill Alison, nor
could his behaviour towards her, however distasteful,
justify her committing that crime. The only truth in her
ramblings was that her murder of Alison, and her subsequent
admission of her guilt to me, had pushed me away and hurt
me.
She finished the letter by saying that she didn't know
what else to say and that she wished she had the power
to right all the wrong because she truly didn't want to
lose me. It was sick and it made me feel sick. How could
Michelle right all the wrong? Alison was dead. No one
could right that wrong.
Her next letter was briefer. She said she'd been out that
afternoon and had thought about things. If I still wanted
her, then she still wanted me. In fact, she didn't ever
want to lose me. She recognised that things were hard
at the moment, but said we were strong together and could
get through it.
She was going to do her best to change herself, to stop
letting the past destroy her life. All she asked from
me was for me to be honest with her always - as she would
be honest with me. She said again that I was too precious
for her to lose. She didn't ever want to lose me.
I gave Lisa a look of total incredulity. What I found
most incredible about Michelle's letters was that she
only seemed concerned about the way she might have insulted
me by comparing me unfavourably to John. Michelle wasn't
stupid enough to put explicitly in writing to me that
she'd admitted murdering Alison.
But in trying to win me back she had to refer to it implicitly
- how she'd let John and what he'd done to her push me
away and hurt me; how she wished she had the power to
right all the wrong; how she'd do her best to stop letting
the past destroy her life. Her words chilled me. She knew
well that the fact that our relationship was over wouldn't
'hurt' me.
In letters to me she'd confirmed that I wanted to end
the relationship and just be friends. However, she was
right in one respect: I now knew all her 'faults'. The
only thing she didn't seem to realise was that I'd never
again soil my hands by touching her. Perhaps she genuinely
thought that the little matter of the vicious butchering
of a 21-year-old woman wouldn't concern me.
Perhaps - having on several occasions witnessed the way
I dished out violence so casually and viciously - she
thought I was so morally degraded that her little crime
would be as nothing to me. Perhaps she felt I had so much
blood on my own hands that I'd look with tolerance on
her one-off misdemeanour.
Of course, I did have a lot of blood on my hands. Over
the years I'd put a lot of people in hospital - and some
of them I'd almost killed - but only ever almost. I'd
never actually killed anyone. At times, admittedly, I
had planned to kill, but my intended targets had only
ever been men who almost always had either used or were
hoping to use maximum violence on me.
Michelle had butchered an innocent girl simply because
she was jealous of her happiness. I told Lisa I wanted
nothing more to do with Michelle. I said I didn't feel
that way because Michelle had said John was a better man
than me. I said I couldn't care less about John.
The reason I wanted Michelle out of my life was because
I'd been mugged off, conned into believing they were innocent
of murder when I now knew they were guilty. 'Forget it,'
Lisa said. 'It's not important. I could admit it to you
today, then in six months' time say I was only joking.
You would never know if I was telling the truth.'
I told Lisa she was insulting my intelligence. I said
if she had any sense she would distance herself from her
sister and live her own life, because Michelle was fucked
up. Lisa didn't reply. As I collected my belongings Lisa
gave me a photo of herself. On the back of it she'd inscribed:
'To my best friend always.' I looked at it, but didn't
thank her.
In silence I finished collecting my bits and pieces together,
then I left the flat without saying goodbye. That night
Lisa's boyfriend, Ray, telephoned me at my flat. He wanted
to know if my falling out with the Taylors would affect
his job at Raquels.
I asked him if he knew exactly what had happened; had
Lisa told him about the letter? He said she had. I told
him that they had made a mug of me and, if he stuck with
them, he had no job with me. Ray sounded taken-aback by
my intransigence. He said that whatever had happened between
me and them was none of his business and shouldn't affect
his connection with me.
I told him that, as Lisa now liked to join him at the
club most nights he was working, if I kept him on while
he kept her on I'd effectively be inviting her and her
murdering sister back into my life; and, as far as I was
concerned, I didn't want to talk to them, see them or
have anything to do with them ever again.
Also, I didn't want to employ someone whose income would
contribute to their household. Ray started getting stroppy
— not something he'd have done if he'd been standing
in front of me. He asked me why I'd suddenly turned on
him. I said it was nothing to do with my turning on him,
it was to do with my being made a mug of.
I reminded him that he had a choice: 'Nobody's making
you do anything, Ray.' I added that, as I'd already paid
him a weekend's money in advance, I wanted the money back
if he did decide to seek alternative employment. He said
okay. I discovered later that as soon as he'd put the
phone down he'd jumped in his car and driven to Tucker's
house to ask for his wages.
Tucker, knowing nothing of what was going on, paid him.
When Tucker rang me that evening he mentioned that Ray
had been round to collect his money. I was furious. Ray
had now been paid for four nights he hadn't worked. I
was determined to get back the money or get him.
The next morning I drove to the Taylors' flat and banged
on the door. No one answered. Before driving off I put
a note through the letterbox for Ray. It read: 'You have
not even got the bollocks to face it like a man. See you
soon.' |
| Contact : bernard.omahoney@bernardomahoney.com |
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